OK...so I have been kind of dreading writing on here again, because I know what I need to write but I haven't wanted to do it for 8 months now. I will just jump into it.
December 30, 2012 Cory and I drove up to Salt Lake to get our twin bed back from my sister who was borrowing it. We were getting the bed so my mom would have somewhere to sleep when she got here for the baby being born. As we were pulling up to her apartment I started getting really bad stomach pain. I told Cory that we needed to go to the hospital when we got back home. On the drive home I was feeling overwhelmed and terrified of this little guy coming so quickly. There was a song that came on the radio and I instantly felt like it was Heavenly Father's way of telling me everything will be alright. The song was "home" by Philip Philips. So we drove back to Provo and went to the hospital. We got to the hospital and they checked me to see what my status was. I was 3 cm dilated and 95% effaced. We sat there for a couple of hour and after a while the nurse told me that if nothing changed in the next hour then I would have to go home and come back when either I was hurting worse or my water broke. Well something happened because when the nurse came back in an hour I was 4 cm dilated so they admitted me and told me I was going to have baby before we left the hospital. I really wanted to have a natural birth and to do it on my own but he was being difficult and didn't want to move his head in the right position. So after 9 hours of labor I decided to get an epidural and 6 hours later it was time to push.
I gave birth to our first son Brody Steven Pierson. He was 6 pounds 12 ounces and 19 inches long. He was born at 5:15 am in the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. He was two weeks early from his due date but was a healthy baby boy. As soon as he was born he cried for a little bit then was just alert as ever and looking around. The nurses put him on my chest and I was able to help clean him up and to be able to finally hold my baby boy. I was overcome with so much joy and emotion for this little human.
The nurses cleaned us both up and wheeled us to a recovery room where we would be spending the next couple of days. Once we got to the room the nurses took Brody and gave him a bath and his shots and did some tests to make sure he was healthy. They took his footprints and hand prints. When the nurses gave him back to me he had a little Mohawk in his hair, it made me smile.
People came to visit us and to see Brody. We were getting cabin fever being in that hospital room.
The next day Dec 31st was my birthday and we got to go home. It was a cold winter afternoon so we were all bundled up. We took Brody home and celebrated my birthday and had a small family party.
The next 9 days were absolute bliss and it was like heaven on earth. I loved my Brody so very much.
January 8th 2013 I can say was the worst day of my life. Brody had skipped a feeding during the early morning and I woke up at 7 am to find that he was purple in the face. There was blood pooling out of his mouth and nose. I panicked and screamed at Cory to tell him that Brody was all bloody. Cory grabbed him while I called 911. Cory did CPR and tried clearing his airways until the ambulance and policemen got there.
Cory, my mom, and I had to stay at the house for a while because the policemen wanted to ask us a couple of questions about what happened and what we did in response to finding him. I'm not going to lie but I was pretty ticked that they were keeping me from my son, but because there was blood they questioned if we had done anything to hurt our boy. We live in a sad world where infants do get abused everyday and I do appreciate the law enforcement for looking out for my baby but I am definitely not a mother who would kill her baby, and I wanted so badly to be there at the hospital.
There was a detective there and an officer that were asking us all kinds of questions. If we smoked or drank, if we had any arguments that got physical, if we ever smelt drugs outside or if we ever did any in our house, how my pregnancy was and if I or the baby had any complications etc.
The detective had told us in our living room that our baby boy hadn't made it, that he had died. I was really hoping to have a different outcome and was being really optimistic thinking this doesn't happen to me, to other people yes, but not me.
My heart was broken and I immediately started thinking that I had done something wrong. Evil thoughts kept running through my mind, I didn't exercise enough while I was pregnant, I didn't eat as healthy as I should have, and the worst; maybe I had rolled over on him and had squished him in my sleep....
You never know how good you have it til you hit rock bottom and the one thing that you anticipated and hoped for is gone.
I kept thinking why God? What have I done to deserve this misery and heartache?
Cory called his dad and had told him before we got the news that Brody was at the hospital. He came to pick the three of us up and we gave the news to him in our driveway. I will never forget the look on his face and the shattered hopes and dreams of the first heir to his family name. When we had told my father in law that we we pregnant he wanted our firstborn to be a boy so much just to carry on the Pierson name. And when we found out it was a boy he was so overjoyed and it was the happiest I had ever seen him. To have to watch while that all got thrown out the window was heartbreaking all over again.
We drove to the hospital in tears and silence. I felt like a lot of the hospital was waiting and crying and more waiting and even more tears. The detectives first told us that we could go in to see Brody but not hold him or touch him. But after a while of waiting they gave us the ok to go in and we were able to hold him until the medical examiner got there. Lisa (mother in law) and Jenny(sister in law) both met us at the hospital. There was a lady there that took pictures of us saying goodbye to Brody. She also gave us molds of his hands and feet and a big mold of Cory's hand, my hand, and Brody's hand. I was holding Brody's, and Cory was holding my hand and we all three dipped in a big bucket of wet mold . I treasure those molds probably more than anything I own. We spent as much time as we could holding our boy and crying and being together as a family. The medical examiner got there and I was able to hand my little baby boy to the examiner.
The police officers wanted to meet us back at our apartment for us to show them what had happened. They had me lay in bed and reenact everything that I had done and everything that Cory had done. They even had a life size doll to pretend with...I did not enjoy it to say the least. As soon as we were done I did not want to be there anymore. So Cory and I packed our bags and went to his parents house to the next town over. On the drive to my in laws "Home" by Philip Philips had came on again and I burst into tears.
"Hold on, to me as we go As we roll down this unfamiliar road And although this wave (wave) is stringing us along Just know you're not alone Cause I'm gonna make this place your home Settle down, it'll all be clear Don't pay no mind to the demons They fill you with fear The trouble it might drag you down If you get lost, you can always be found Just know you're not alone Cause I'm gonna make this place your home"
I knew Brody was talking to me through this song telling me "hey mom it's ok, everything will be alright!" I still to this day tear up every time this song comes on my ipod, or phone, or pandora. We got to my in laws to be greeted by Cory's grandma and aunt who had made us all lunch. My mind couldn't comprehend that he was really gone, just like that. Over the next couple of days we were busy with planning the funeral and where he was gong to be buried. All of the love and support from family and friends was so overwhelming and thoughtful. I just couldn't believe how many people had been touched by my little Brody and how many people had reached out to us with their love and kindness. We had a beautiful service on January 12th at our church building. My in laws were gracious enough to give us one of their burial slots in a local cemetery.
I was so surprised how many people had come to his funeral. People that I hadn't talked to in ages were there, aunts and uncles that lived a couple of states were there, friends that had traveled miles to be there for us, all of it was so heart warming.
The one thing that is getting me through this whole experience is knowing that my Brody is really mine and that I will get to hold and embrace him in the afterlife. I know that my Heavenly Father truly hears my prayers and sends me my angels when I need them. It is truly a blessing to know that I will be with my family again and that death is not the end. After Brody died there was something really amazing that I realized, Brody's due date was January 15th. He was born December 30th, he died January 8th. If he had gone full term he could have been born a still born. Heavenly Father knew that if that had happened it would have been so very hard and difficult for me to handle. He was gracious enough to give me those 9 days with my baby, to hold and love him and capture memories with pictures.
A couple of months later I get a call from the police department saying that hey have closed Brody's case and that they are ruling his death as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). There is literally nothing that I could have done to save him and I had done nothing wrong with raising him for that short time. It was such a blessing to hear it and also really hard to hear. I had been eating away at myself thinking I had done something wrong as a new mother. But now I know, I know that through Heavenly Father and with His help, I can do hard things.
